Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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