They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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