drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i out mim tonsoeep
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
