listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
