Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
