This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
