I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
