I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
