ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
