I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
