would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you had me at cake vodka
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
