Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
