got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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