I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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