I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
