In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
