went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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