My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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