Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
