Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
