Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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