your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
