I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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