If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
