My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Someone came in the potted fern
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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