my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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