you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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