Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You're like the curious george of whores
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
