I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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