we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
