I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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