god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Church boner. Awkwardddd
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
