that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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