We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
