I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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