just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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