Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Define "chronic" masturbator.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
