Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
