Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
