that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
