I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
