you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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