wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
