I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
