Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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