I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
