note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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