Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
