Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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