yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
