When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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