i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
