I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
