i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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