I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
