Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
