Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
